How do you know when a partner's drinking has crossed a line? There's rarely a single dramatic moment. More often it's a slow build: a second bottle opened on a weeknight, a promise to "take it easy this weekend" that doesn't last past Friday, a hangover that makes them miss the school run again. You start doing quiet sums in your head, and you're never quite sure whether you're overreacting.

If that sounds familiar, you're far from alone. It can help to know how health professionals actually think about problem drinking, because it's less about how much someone drinks on a given night and more about the pattern and its effects.

How doctors define a drinking problem

The US National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) explains on its Rethinking Drinking website that doctors diagnose alcohol use disorder (AUD) based on a set of 11 symptoms experienced over the past year. These include whether someone has:

Ended up drinking more, or for longer, than they intended
Wanted to cut down or stop, or tried to, but couldn't
Spent a lot of time drinking, being ill from it, or recovering
Had cravings so strong they couldn't think of anything else
Found drinking interfering with home, family, work or school
Kept drinking even though it caused trouble with family or friends
Given up activities that mattered to them in order to drink
Ended up in risky situations while or after drinking, such as driving
Carried on drinking despite it worsening depression, anxiety or another health problem, or after a blackout
Needed more alcohol to get the same effect
Had withdrawal symptoms as the alcohol wore off, such as trouble sleeping, shakiness, nausea, sweating, a racing heart or seizures

According to NIAAA, two or more of these symptoms can point to AUD. Two to three suggest a mild disorder, four to five moderate, and six or more severe. NIAAA also notes that other signs, such as low mood or general malaise, matter too.

Why this list is useful for partners

You can't diagnose your partner, and you shouldn't try. Only a health professional can assess the number, pattern and severity of symptoms. But the list can help you put words to what you've been seeing, and it shows that problem drinking isn't only about being drunk every night.

Someone can hold down a demanding job, be a loving parent and still tick several of these boxes. The questions about broken promises to cut down, cravings, and drinking despite the trouble it causes are often the ones partners recognise first.

How to raise it

Talking to a partner about their drinking is one of the hardest conversations in a relationship. A few approaches tend to help:

Pick your moment. Choose a calm, sober time, not the morning after a row or halfway through a glass of wine.

Have examples ready. Jot down a few specific moments beforehand, like the missed pickup or the evening that ended in a row, so you can point to what actually happened rather than a vague sense that something's wrong.

Describe, don't label. "I've noticed you've been finding it hard to stop once you start" lands better than "You're an alcoholic."

Talk about the impact. Explain how it affects you and the family, using "I" statements rather than accusations.

Suggest a next step. Offering to book a GP appointment together, or to look at options with them, turns a difficult conversation into a practical one.

Expect resistance. Denial and defensiveness are common at first. It may take several conversations.

When stopping needs medical help

One of the symptoms on NIAAA's list deserves special attention: withdrawal. If your partner has been drinking heavily and regularly, stopping suddenly can be dangerous, and in severe cases withdrawal can cause seizures. That's why anyone in this position should get medical advice before stopping, rather than going cold turkey at home.

For people who need more support, treatment often begins with medically supervised withdrawal, followed by therapy and ongoing support. Some centres offer all of this in one place; one Texas campus, for example, lists detox services alongside residential, outpatient and aftercare options. A GP or local alcohol service can explain what's available where you live.

Looking after yourself

Living with someone whose drinking worries you is exhausting. Partners often end up covering for them, managing the household alone and walking on eggshells. It's important to protect your own wellbeing too:

Talk to someone you trust. Consider a support group for families affected by alcohol, such as Al-Anon. Keep up your own friendships and routines. And if you ever feel unsafe, make your safety and your children's safety the priority.

Getting help

If you're in the UK, your GP is a good first step for your partner, and Drinkline, the national alcohol helpline, is free on 0300 123 1110 (weekdays 9am to 8pm, weekends 11am to 4pm). Samaritans can be called free, day or night, on 116 123. In the US, SAMHSA's National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357 offers free, confidential referrals, and anyone in crisis can call or text 988. In an emergency, call 999 or 911.

You're allowed to ask

Wondering whether your partner has a drinking problem doesn't make you disloyal or dramatic. It means you're paying attention. Asking the question, gently and honestly, is often the first step towards things getting better for both of you.

Sources

National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. Rethinking Drinking: What are the symptoms of alcohol use disorder (AUD)? (undated page). https://rethinkingdrinking.niaaa.nih.gov/how-much-too-much/what-are-symptoms-alcohol-use-disorder-aud
Derbyshire Healthcare NHS Foundation Trust. Drinkline – national alcohol helpline (number and hours; page review date 2 July 2018, number checked October 2026). https://www.derbyshirehealthcareft.nhs.uk/getting-help/community-support-near-you-infolink/drinkline-national-alcohol-helpline
Samaritans. Homepage (116 123, free, day or night; checked October 2026). https://www.samaritans.org
Cenikor. Corpus Christi (client page; read October 2026). https://www.cenikor.org/locations/corpus-christi-texas/

This is a collaborative post.